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Personal Journal: Pouring My Heart Out Before the Throne

Original Entry Date 6/13/2021: ** note: I was honestly a bit reluctant to share this entry because of the way I felt when I wrote it. I journal to express my heart to God; when I am pained I usually don’t want to even think about Him. It’s in those times that revealing just the way you feel to Him is the best thing you can do. This might be a bit revealing but I just do that sometimes :P**

I’ve never felt truly wanted by the ones I want to be close too, why do I want these?
I feel as though I am not good enough, I feel my heart crush and it becomes a hard, cold stone. Why is my self esteem based on what they feel for me?
I am pathetic, I am worthless.
I really don’t feel like taking care of myself anymore. I know it’s no one else’s responsibility but my own, it’s always been, and I’m tired.
I just don’t like myself and in ways I wish this life would be over already.
I’m never going to find a mutual love or a friend who sees me as their #1. I know I’m being self-centered, and full of self-pity. I just sit here and wonder if I will always be that broken hearted, little girl, too shy to talk, walking around the playground all alone.

Nehemiah 8:10 NLV:

Ezra said to them, “Go, eat and drink what you enjoy, and give some to him who has nothing ready. For this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be sad for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Original Entry Date 8/27/2021: I hear God say, “When you are in pain press into Me even harder, harder than ever before.
I Am your Rock, I AM your Shield, I will stand you on solid ground. I will remove your pain. I will bind your wounds.
I Am your Healer, I AM your sword.”

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